What you looking at wee man!

“ I belong to Glasgow”


I was born in Glasgow, Scotland, in the year 1982, which according to a movie I was watching the other day is now the olden days. (I am not crying, honestly, it's hayfever). I grew up in Barlanark, a Glasgow 'scheme' and loved every minute of it. My friends and I spent most of our time playing on the streets. We would get dressed up in our mum's old net curtains pretending to be brides or be out on the veranda making up dances and singing. In the summer we would have water fights using old washing up liquid bottles or be in one of the gardens in a paddling pool. The highlight of the day would be going to the ice cream van with the ginger bottles we had saved up and get a 10p mix and multiple other things.


When I went to primary school, my dad had bought my brothers and I a Nintendo and the kids from school would come at lunchtime, and we would all play Streetfighter or Mario Kart while my mum fed us all.


'Schemes' get a lot of bad press but there was a sense of community that you don't get everywhere, and I made some amazing friends who are still in my life today. The people there are full of pride, banter and community spirit with all your parent's friends being referred to as your auntie or uncle.


“Great Scot”


Lots of famous people have been born or raised in Glasgow. These include


· John Barrowman – singer and actor (The Producers, Torchwood)

· Peter Capaldi – actor (The Thick of It, In The Loop, Doctor Who)

· Robert Carlyle – actor (Trainspotting, The World Is Not Enough)

· Robbie Coltrane – actor (Harry Potter, Cracker)

· Billy Connolly – comedian (The Man Who Sued God)

· Billy Boyd – actor (The Lord of the Rings)

· Frankie Boyle – comedian

· Lewis Capaldi

· Primal Scream

· Gerry Cinnamon

· Franz Ferdinand

· Deacon Blue

· Del Amitri

· Travis

· Texas

· Stephen Maguire – top 16 professional snooker player

· Alan McManus – top 16 professional snooker player

· Martin Laird – golfer

· Colin Montgomerie – golfer

· Sir Alex Ferguson – former Manchester United manager

· Mo Johnston – footballer

· Jimmy Johnstone – footballer

· Jock Stein – football manager


“Oh the banter”


Like everywhere, Glasgow has its own local dialect so, for instance, I would say "can you stick the big light on". This being the main light in the middle of the room. Or if I am going food shopping I will say "I am going to get the messages". Sometimes if you asked where's mum? The standard answer would be she has run away with the milkman. But most importantly you learn the only sausage worth eating is square sausage. You might be wondering what is a square sauasage ? Well it’s a lorne sausage usually made from minced meat, rusk and spices. Other things some of us enjoy eating are a roll and fritter which is basically a huge deep fried chip in a roll with salt and vinegar, potato scones, scotch pies and macaroni pies. Glasgow has also won the "Curry Capital of Britain" title 4 times now.


When out and about in Glasgow you will hear lots of other words you might not understand these include;


Swatch – This means have a quick look at something.

Aye Right – We say this when we don't believe something that someone has told us.

Hoachin – This means busy. So we would say the toon was hoachin the day.

Bawbag - a insult calling some one a ball bag as in scrotem

Wean – This is another word for a child.

Swally - booze or bevvy (an alcoholic drink).

Havnae a scooby - If you ask a Glaswegian for directions and this is the response, this means that they have no idea.


“There’s been a murder”



Glasgow has provided some of the best Scottish television programmes. Chewin' the Fat is one of these. The show was set around Glasgow and West Dumbartonshire and featured numerous hilarious sketches. We also had Rab C Nesbitt, this was one of the most popular Scottish comedy shows ever. Gregor Fisher dressed in a pinstripe suit, terrible plimsolls and a string vest, stars as Rab, an alcoholic Glaswegian whose lifestyle choice is unemployment. My favourite, however, has to be Still Game. This was a spin-off from Chewin' the Fat. It is based around a group of OAPs from a fictional area called Craiglang in Glasgow and their views on how Glasgow used to be in the old days and how bad it is now. The two main characters are Jack and Victor, a couple of patter merchants who despite their age they are Still Game for all kinds of shenanigans.


My favourite episode is Hyper – Craiglang is hit by two notable events - the first is Tam who is super stingy when it comes to spending money has a sudden bout of generosity, though it quickly evaporates. More alarming is the presence of Hyperdales, the huge hypermarket which threatens to put an end to Navid's shop. He plans to sabotage it by committing arson after it has shut for the night. Tam, Winston, Jack and Victor try to dissuade him, but accidents happen.


I can’t talk about television shows without mentioning Taggart. Taggart was a Scottish detective television show and was about the Maryhill CID investigating gruesome murders against the backdrop of the city of Glasgow. The team operated out of the fictional John Street police station. Running from 1983-2010, Taggart was the longest running television drama after the cancellation of the bill. The phrase ‘there’s been a murder’ came from this show and Glaswegians are often asked to say it due to the way we say murder (murrrdeerrrr). Or if you prefer movies then what bout seeing one in the tallest cinema in the world. Our Cineworld is the proud holder of that record at just over 62 meters high.


"Jeely Piece Song"

Another awesome thing about Glasgow is you have music everywhere, in town you are constantly serenaded by buskers while wondering our city centre not to mention our live venues are second to none. We not only have King Tut's Wah Wah Hut there is also, the Barrowlands, O2 Academy, O2 ABC, Oran Mor and the Arches.


Music was a massive part of growing up and below are some of the songs you would find me and my friends singing as weins in the street.


Skinny Malinky

Skinny malinky long legs, big banana feet

went tae the pictures

and couldnae find a seat


The Jeely Piece Song

Oh ye cannae fling pieces oot a twenty storey flat,

700 hungry weans'll testify to that

If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid be plain or pan,

The odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan


Ye Cannae Shove Yer Granny Aff The Bus!

O ye cannae shove yer Granny aff a bus,

o ye cannae shove yer Granny aff a bus,

o ye cannae shove yer Granny

cos she's yer Mammy's mammy

ye cannae shove yer Granny aff a bus


Ally Bally

Ally bally, ally bally bee,

sittin' on yer mammy's knee,

greetin' for a bawbee

Tae buy some Coulter's Candy


All the stuff above is what makes me love being Scottish and more specifically a Glaswegian. If you aren’t convinced about how awesome Glasgow is, then what about the fact our Science Centre looks like an alien spaceship or that our botanic garden kinda looks like a crashed UFO. Even the people have their own Palace, and the citizens have a theatre which is committed to engaging the local community. Local kids get reduced rate tickets and access to free workshops.

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